An Average Summer
by Space Usuki
Summary: Alex's summer is going to be anything but average, at this rate...
1. Muddy summer

Alex stared blandly at the large, muddy fieldish thing. She was positive it was the demented lovechild of a bog and a grassland. 

Her name, of course, was not actually Alex. The whole thing was Alexandera Tiffany Ryhian, and it did not suit her in the slightest.

The same could be said about her appearence, for the most part. She'd had glossy golden locks of hair going to her waist, which she had despised utterly.It was such a bloody _nuisance _when you were trying to get through a hedge to have your hair kept getting itself caught. She'd taken to braiding it, as her mother refused to let her cut it any further until she'd turned 13.

It was now in a remarkably short ponytail, kept out of the way where she wouldn't have to look at it.

And then there were the eyes.

One of the boys in her class had compared them to 'shimmering pools of sapphire loveliness.'

She had turned to him, slowly, the limpid pools in question narrowed with loathing, and she had charged forward, brandishing a textbook like a battle axe. This had earned her a very satisfying scream of terror and one rapidly retreating male.

At the moment, she was wearing jeans, wonderful practical comfortable jeans, a t-shirt with a faded cartoony koala that proclaimed one should 'S VE THE K LA .'

She was not paying any attention to any of this at the moment, however. She was rather more concerned with the fact that she was no longer sitting on her couch like she should be.Carefully, as though the world might fall apart if she did it too quickly, she reached over and pinched her bare arm. Hard.

She failed to wake up.

Very slowly, a grin formed on her face. This was a perfect way to start the summer.

But it really wasn't making any sense. She'd just beaten Ocarina of Time, there was no particular reason to drag her in here. After all, she didn't have any mutant powers or somesuch. Couldn't even hold a sword, come to think of it. It was ridiculous.

There was no reason, she thought, scanning her surroundings and trying not to whoop with triumph. After all, she wasn't even really fantastical looking. If she was supposed to be a damsel in distress, they'd soon regret their choice.

* * *

A few hours later, she remembered just how much it had sucked to cross the field as a kid. 

It had sucked like a vacuum.

It had sucked like the biggest suck-up in class.

It had sucked, in fact, like a bloody _black hole._

It wasn't that she couldn't run very fast or for very long. She was good at that, really. It was just how big the damn thing was when you were really_ there_. It had a vastness that she had previously associated with space and the ocean and things like that.

She trudged sullenly over a hill, kicking absently at some weeds. At her feet, something sparkled.

Alex blinked, thinking, and then she dove forward, cackling delightedly.

Rupees! One marvelous, glimmering ticket to... to... well, she didn't really know, possibly a warm bed or thirty bombs, she'd find out-

It dawned on her slowly that she had thrown herself upon a small clump of currency that was beautiful and awkward but first and foremost, _sharp._

She screamed, startling a flock of birds out of a tree halfway across the field.

* * *

Still wandering, bruised and with a rather conspicuous angular bulge in her pockets, Alex tilted her head upward for a moment. 

And cursed louder than the time she'd broken her arm. The sun was going down and she was rather certain that it was still the middle of Stalchild season. She lacked equipment of any sort and even though they were easier to kill than last week's cafeteria food, they shared one more similarity with the blobby grey casserole: they kept coming back.

A wolfos - she assumed it was a wolfos, what else made that eerie howling noise?- howled somewhere as the sun set.

She ran for it.

* * *

She half-fell into the tree trunk, wheezing like...something that wheezed.

_A wheezle,_ She decided, giggling dazedly. _A wheezing wheezle._ She slumped against the ropes on one side of the small bridge, staring into nothing for a bit, panting. If they stuck some stalfos behind you on the track at school, you'd break records easily..

Someone prodded her arm.

She started violently, jerking her head up to the right.

"Wha-"

A Kokiri girl was staring solemnly down at her, a pair of yellow pigtails bobbing gently on either side of her face.

"Stalfos. All gone. ..All gone." She proclaimed seriously, then ran off, laughing wildly and in a way that was, perhaps, not completely _balanced_.

Alex blinked rapidly, staring after her.

"What- ..oh, crud." She breathed, getting up.

So she'd found her way to the Kokiri Forest. She'd just stay the night, then - they'd probably let her, if she explained. They were nice kids... for the most part. Couldn't help it if they never aged.

Hmm.

..Hadn't that kokiri looked a bit too...

too...

... Tall? Curvy? That wasn't the right shape for a kid.

* * *

Alex moistened her lips, suddenly uncertain. What if they were like.._kids? _She'd babysat for her cousins before. 

Her eye twitched slightly, mind presenting her gleefully with the image of herself, tied to a kitchen chair, a plush animal stuffed in her mouth and miniature demons with markers assaulting her.

If nothing else, she'd be safe. It was only for the night.

Which was worse: zombies or evil children?

She sighed after a moment, and strode into the forest, choosing the greater of two evils.

Well, they hadn't shredded her yet. Or drawn on her face.

Alex stared contemplatively at the spoonful of brilliantly green mush in her hand. They were vegetarians.

She should've known that. It only made sense, really. She was sure they'd eat meat if they had a choice.

Actually, they did, occasionally. Sometimes they'd catch a fish or two. The boy across from her at the huge, picnic-ish table they'd led her to was babbling on about how _he'd _caught the biggest fish in the absolute history of the village. A girl - whose name she vaguely remembered as Marina, or perhaps Margaret- was poking him rather viciously and informing her that he was a bloody liar.

She sighed resignedly and shoved the green goop into her mouth, eyes closed bravely. It tasted rather spinachy, with just a hint of cheese. She chewed experimentally and swallowed, trying not to think about how they would get cheese in a forest utterly devoid of dairy. Alex tilted her head back, looking up at the stars.

She had asked to see Saria, simply because she had seemed to have the most sense out of the lot of them, but a girl had giggled secretively in an amazingly annoying sort of way and said that she'd 'gone off' for a bit.

Mido was also conspicuously absent. If Alex had been the romantic sort, she'd probably be thinking wistfully of all the stupid crud they could've gotten themselves into. She thought it most likely that the boy had landed himself in an extremely painful situation, either way.

She managed to clear her plate while the kids babbled around her. Something didn't seem quite right here, now that she paid attention. Like the proportion in an otherwise stunning painting was very slightly _wrong._

Proportions..hm. It wasn't that she was much taller than them - she wasn't.

That was what was bothering her.

She was a tall girl, really. Always being pestered to play basketball for one person or another. They should've gone up to her shoulders at the very most.

But they didn't and that was what was worrying her. They all were looking at her, almost perfectly level. A couple were actually just a bit taller than her.

And she would've sworn that Fish-Boy was attempting to impress her like some of the more foolish boys from her class. She was getting the exact same strong urge to hit him with something - the big, heavy wooden salad bowl in the middle of the table was looking more inviting by the second.

A pair of identical girls came out at that moment, saving Fish-Boy from his fate, and carrying wooden platters. It was really quite fortunate that they didn't get fire keese or dodongos or... whatever out here. The whole place would take a couple minutes to burn, at the most. It was made of fuel. A large cheer came up as the girls - twins? - set the platters down into view.

She didn't really understand this. They had just deposited what appeared, in all likeliness, to be the dung of a Class A Green Pudding Beast. It was jiggling and slightly transparent, whatever it was. One looked creamy green, suspiciously like the wobbly stuff you'd get in the deli department of most groceries - the ungodly spawn of a jello mold, a salad and some miracle whip. It had smallish blue flecks dispersed sparingly throughout it, and was a small, humble blobby shape.

The other was a great, brilliantly pink mountain of a similiar texture. It was an opaque, warm pink, with a pink carnation lovingly set right next to it - on closer inspection, it seemed to be growing from the platter - and also had what looked like a crown of deep red dots.

The girls began depositing a lump from either of them on the kokiri childrens' plates, apparently from some earlier-determined choosing. When one of them reached her, she stared expectantly, holding a small wooden ladle-thing that had little green chunks on it.

"Mint or raspberry?" She said in a curiously light tone, tilting her head.

"Um," Alex muttered hopelessly, staring at the lump in horror. Someone elbowed her.

"Watch i-" She began to snap, then froze, startled to discover that Saria had seated herself in the empty spot on her right.

"Go for the raspberry." She said in a low voice that managed to be cheerful and utterly unquestionable at the same time. "The mint's all chunky."

* * *

Author's Note Version Five Billion: May First, 06 

Edited this AGAIN, my god. Fixed some typos and rewrote some bits so Alex is a bit more mellow. (Read: a bloodthirsty freak)


	2. Lots of wood

Alex sighed rather dismally, giving the mug another rather suspicious sniff. Saria had said it was herbal tea, but it smelled like someone's unwashed foot after a day of running through a swamp.

"Alright, let me get this straight," She began, waving her free hand emphatically.

"Something's gone wrong, and you've all started ..aging?" She paused. No, aging wasn't right, they aged, they just didn't..

"..Erm. Maturing," She corrected, apologetically.

Saria nodded rather unhappily.

"Yes. D'you have any idea what it's _like_, trying to get a horomonal bunch of clueless _kids_ from scurrying off into the bushes together, when there's a ridiculous surply of bushes and _one of them is after you_!"

There was a brief, rather awkward silence, and then realization dawned upon Alex.

"..You mean Mi-" Alex said, her expression one of stunned horror.

"_SHH_!" Saria lunged at her, grabbing her shoulders.

"He'll_ hear_ you! I swear he can tell if you say his name, no matter where you are..." She wailed quietly, her expression one of torment.

Alex winced sympathetically as she was obviously expected to do. And then she realized something, and wondered why it hadn't hit her before.

"Um," Alex said, slowly. "Can I ask you where Link is...?"

The effect was unpredictable, to say the least. Saria's eyes had widened, and she had begun shaking her by the shoulders, wild-eyed.

_"TELL ME WHERE HE IS, YOU-!"_

A head popped around the doorframe. A pair of eyes blinked. Mido shuffled into view, cautious. He wasn't _that_ stupid.

"Um, Saria...?"

The Kokiri girl's brilliant green eyes twitched ever so slightly as she very, very slowly let go of Alex and stepped away. Slowly. Carefully.

"_Yes_, Mido?"

It wasn't the nearly glacial tone to her voice, or the way her hands curled into a murderous half-fist. It was the way her eyes had gone very cold quite suddenly that terrified him. They had gone from the fiery look that meant she was either angry or trying to get people to do something they didn't want to do, flickering off into a cold, quiet fury.

He decided that maybe he shouldn't tell her that Glen was trying trying to stick a rock up his nose because he'd made a bet that if he could, he'd get 20 rupees from assorted boys.

"Nevermind, wrong house!" He squeaked desperately, and then he ran.

He ran as fast as his growing, gangly legs could carry him.

* * *

Saria inhaled very deeply and slowly.

"Alright," She said in an even, calm voice as Alex brushed herself off, glancing warily at the Kokiri every few seconds from the corners of her eyes.

"You are going to tell me everything you know about Link and how you know it or I'm going to make you." She sat down, smiling pleasently.

The girl crouching on the floor grimaced. Why did people have to be so _difficult_?

"I've heard about him from the stories. You know..." She lied in a rather pleading tone, reminding herself that maybe in some other twisted dimension this was true. Which it most likely wasn't.

Miraculously, the sage deflated, slumping forward in the wooden chair.

"I can't take this anymore, it's all falling to bits," Saria whimpered, shoulders trembling.

"H-he left and said he'd be back in a couple days and he wasn't and people started going all _pimply_ and I swear he's not coming _back_ a-a-and-"

Alex watched, appalled, as the girl burst into hiccuppy sobs. That was the problem with girls, she thought, staring on in horror. They went all teary at the slightest problem. Boys wouldn't do that because if they went to bits in front of anyone the effect on their ego would be like dropping a gorilla on it.

_She_ wouldn't do it because it was silly.

"..and Mido keeps _bothering _me and everyone's being so stupid and.." The green-haired girl stopped herself, breathing deliberately slowly.

"Well, um, I could try to help you out..." Alex ventured carefully, trying to look eager and helpful. Saria gawked.

"You-"

The girl's expression curled into an odd sort of grin. Well, it was convenient enough.

"..Alright." She said it in the equally slow, practiced sort of way that you're supposed to talk about important things in. Her eyes had lit up.

"He said something about horses. The others thought he was just talking about his throat or something but I-" She paused. Maybe she shouldn't give away too much just yet.

"Anyway, he left the forest." Saria tried very hard to look worried and unhappy. It wasn't difficult, since most of it was genuine - she was stressed out, trying to deal with the rest of the Kokiri. And she really did miss him...

Alex thought she looked rather constipated. There was the same painful grimace.

"I'll get on it, then," She said kindly, patting the younger - older - whatever she was - girl on the shoulder comfortingly and walking out.

Saria grinned broadly for a moment.

"..Saria?" Pleaded a whiny, eager to please sort of voice, as Mido stuck his head around the corner. "Glen's gotten a rock stuck up his nose. Again." He added helpfully.

Saria groaned, cradling her head in the hands.

* * *

Alex stared down at the tiny hole. She was supposed to get through _that_. She had remembered it being a lot larger and wider and less cobwebby.

It didn't help that Link was lanky at best.

Positively skinny, she thought, willing the hole to became larger. It failed to do so.

She sighed in defeat, getting to her knees. She eyed the tunnel uneasily, and then dropped to her belly, shimmying along with her eyes shut very firmly. After a decidedly long minute, she shimmied into a wall, with a muffled curse.

She sat up, rubbing her forehead in that made - although she was unaware of it - her hair stick up, giving it the look of someone who's been standing in gale winds, or possibly someone who's just gotten out of bed.

The boulder was still going steadily in circles, looking as menacing as a large hunk of granite can. Alex noted glumly that the path it took had worn down considerably, so that there was now a drop into a small pit. Lovely.

* * *

Alex stumbled, dizzy and somewhat bruised, into the alcove housing the Kokiri Sword. Or maybe it was a niche. She didn't particularly care at the moment, as she'd just run in desperate circles for far too long.

Kneeling and taking a moment to admire the stunning way the world twirled, she pried open the treasure chest.

And stared at the glorified dagger of a sword that laid there in a bed of dust, sparkling cleanly. She frowned.

"That's not right.." She murmured under her breath, lifting the lightweight sword and swinging it experimentally. It fit her hand quite nicely, which only added to her suspicions.

The sword shouldn't be there. Link should have taken it with him. So why was it there?

She shrugged it off for the moment, dashing back into the circle. She still needed a shield.

* * *

"I told you, I want a _shield_. Shield. Vaguely circular? Hard? Deflects things?"

Alex was all but ready to kill the new clerk. It was now a dweeby looking boy, who seemed apalled that she would actually want to buy something.

He made a rather stupid mistake then.

"But you're a _girl!_"

Her eye twitched violently, and Alex snapped. She lunged forward, snatching the kokiri by the collar and leaning terrifyingly close to the boy, snarling like a wolverine in heat.

"Oh yes. I'm a girl," She said in a sweet, innocent tone. "A girl who is going to _rip your liver out your anus if you don't sell me a bloody shield._" She smiled.

He made a sort of strangled whimpering noise, pointing shakily to his right. She beamed, leaning a little further in and grabbing the wooden shield, releasing him.

"Glad you could cooporate!" She beamed, turning and all but skipping out of the store.

The clerk fainted.

* * *

Author's Note, May 1, 06

Rewrote some of this and fixed some typos.


	3. Oh so clichè

Alex whistled rather cheerfully, still swinging the Kokiri sword experimentally now and then as she walked leisurely across Hyrule Field. It really should've been Hyrule Plain, or something, she mused inwardly. Too big to be a Field, too small to be a..

..Um... Too small to be a...

..Well, nevermind that.

She replaced the sword to it's sheath, pausing for a moment to lean against a tree and catch her breath, completely oblivious of the Hylian Fire-Ants slowly infiltrating her clothing.

She pulled a ragged scrap of parchment from one of her pockets, flipping it around with all the expertise of a kindergartener, half-aware of an odd crawly feeling. She scratched at one arm absently, not looking away from the paper.

"Right. Which way'd they say was up on this..." Alex stared at it, long and hard, and then flipped it over.

In rounded, childish handwriting at the bottom of the paper, words began to appear. She watched, enraptured, as a figure ran around in the small copse of trees at her back, luxurious blonde bangs on fire and what she would've called a giant pineapple chasing him. If she'd seen it.

_"This side, you idiot._

_Luv, Sar!"_

She stared at the map for a moment, and then groaned.

"Lovely, I'm stuck with a two-dimensional nanny..."

She blinked, very slowly turning her head to look at her arm. Her eyes twitched for a few seconds, and then grew very, very large.

And then...

"OH DEAR GOD ON A POGO STICK, I'M--"

What happened next could be described best with a sound effect:

**FOOMPH.**

* * *

She sat up, rubbing at her head dizzily, half puzzled at the scorch marks on her clothing and the singed eyebrows, and half ready to run like a bat out of hell.

She stared blandly at the singed, ludicrously large ant corpses littering the ground, her clothing, her hair, and pretty much anything in a ten-foot radius to where she was sitting. They were as big as her thumb.

Alex stood up, stumbling a little bit. She managed to lurch forward a few steps.

And then she stopped abruptly, bending over to pick the ... thing .. .up.

In all honesty, it looked like a rather sturdy green windsock. Or rather, it had been green at some point in the past. It was now a kind of burnt, charcoalish colour. She rubbed it gingerly between her fingers, half expecting it to crumble. A layer of ash fell of, revealing a bit of green and confirming her suspicions. Either freaky sock-hats were all the rage, or _he_ had been there.

She pocketed the bedraggled hat, and set off into the sunset, waving her sword dramatically.

Well, until she fell into the nearly invisible hole in the ground.

Really. There was no way she could've seen it coming!

.._HONEST._

---

"YAUUUUGH--"

**THUD-SQUISH.**

"MY LEG--"

"AAAGH PERVERT!"

**THWUNK.**

Silence, except for multiple soft thunkings..

Alex beat wildly at the body under her, which she was labeling all sorts of things, some of which would not be suitable for mixed company and "Squishy." She screeched like some sort of furious battle goddess who has been recently and, quite accidentally, groped.

The being squirmed desperately, trying to free itself, and accidentally copping a feel. Thusly, she drove her knee into the person's groin, subconscious informing that the shriek she'd heard upon landing had been male, if somewhat high-pitched.

They went deadly silent, except for an occasional whimper.

She hopped off, fumbling for some other weapon and kicking the person into a puddle.

"..don'twannaDIIIIIE..." Pleaded a voice, before being silenced into a kind of unhappy bubbling.

Alex squinted in the dimness of the small cave, making out an added lump next to the chest near the end. A pair of Boko Babas had been chopped to bits, she discovered as she climbed over and managed to step on one of the head-bits. It was a rather unpleasent squelching sensation. She made an odd squeaking noise and hopped off it, over to the chest.

It had been opened, and a few dormant bombchus lay in a dusty heap at the bottom. She dismissed it, picking up the lump next to it for examination.

It was a kind of satchel - backpack - ..thingy. She flipped a flap of leather over, peering into it. It contained a wallet, a bottle of water, a few empty bottles, a small half-loaf of bread, some matches, and a few things she couldn't make out. She removed the matches, setting the pack down delicately, and struck one of them on the trunk. A small circle of light appeared around her, causing the puddles to appear glowing.

She paused, glancing around. She really didn't want to light the chest on fire, water quite obviously did not burn, and the small clumps of grass were --

Absolutely perfect.

She grinned, leaning over and lighting each one before blowing out the match. Smirking horribly, she returned to the captive / horrible rapist.

"Right then, you can either let me bring you to a horrible end or-"

She stopped short, having kicked the person onto his back.

Black tunic..

Black undershirt..

Pale skin...

Black hair..

...Closed, X'd out eyes -

"..aw crap."

---

Dark Link very slowly and cautiously opened one eye ever so slightly, hoping distantly through the dull pain in assorted body parts that the giant rabid wolverine was gone.

Apparently, she wasn't. He had the very unhappy sensation of someone bustling around him as light stabbed mercilessly at him, and he shut the crimson eye quickly. He hated bustling. That's why he'd ran away, really. Besides, it hadn't felt right back in Kakariko..everything was right in a kind of subtly wrong way.

He was almost 13. But not quite. Which, frankly, sucked. He was too mature for his age, which was, unbeknownst to him, both really odd and perfectly normal.

It was normal in that he was an odd, twisted mirror of a boy he'd never met - in memory - and remained only as a shadow of a past that no longer had officially _happened_.

It was odd considering he was a pubescent, horomonal boy who should've been acting a whole lot stupider than he did.

The girl was whistling a tune of some sort and he got the impression that he was going to be hearing a lot of this sort of thing for a while. So much for setting out to Seek His Fortune, and having all sorts of High Adventure. She'd probably be the clingy maternal type and end up falling off a cliff in a horribly tragic moment whilst he was kicking butt before he'd see the last of her.

Something broke him out of his thoughts with a kind of 'thunk' noise. He would've sworn it broke his skull, too.

"OW." He whined, sitting up and rubbing at his head resentfully.

"Light sleeper." She sounded sociable enough. He couldn't tell if this was good or really reeeally bad. From his experience (AKA the books lining the walls in Impa's house) this sort of thing usually led to Romantic Relationships. He sighed gloomily and blinked a bit.

"...What in the name of the Three Golden Godesses have you got _on?_" He said in a sort of really, really rude awe. She was wearing the strangest clothing he'd seen. Ever.

He'd seen old men wearing beaded loincloths and feathers for the Harvest Festival.

He'd seen a mirror once, too.

The girl raised an eyebrow and glanced downward.

"Uh. T-shirt, jeans, and some nikes?"

He decided dropping the subject was better than pursuing the "what in all bloody hell is a nike" topic.

"..You kicked me."

"You _noticed._" She clasped her hands in feigned enthusiam, oozing sarcasm from every pore on her body. Mostly from her nose.

"So, D-" She froze in mid-sentence, and he gave her an odd look while she mentally fumbled.

"..so..um..what's you name?"

"Knil Carpenter. And my middle name is..."

"RUNNING LIKE HELL!"

---

Alex sat, blinking, in the dust. Slowly a grin spread across her face, like whipped margerine.

"..Really clichè, but hey..."

She scooped up the discarded satchel, slinging it over her arm.

"He ever so kindly left me some wonderfully convenient supplies! .. why do I have the urge to wink at the camera ..?"

TWNNNG.

Something began bopping her repeatedly in the ear, which was a sad mistake for the ... whatever it was. She clapped a hand quickly to her head, wincing but cupping her hand around the thing and very carefully lifting a faintly buzzing fist to face level.

"..CNWTBUGTH'HLLOTTAMEHZZZ!"

She cocked an eyebrow, slowly opening the hand. A dully glowing humanoid figure sat there, panting for breath. It was clothed in some sort of rough mud-coloured cloth, and gave off a kind of mossy green aura. A pair of disproportionate batwings sprouted from the person's shoulders, flexing slightly.

"..get out of-" Growled a rather feminine, but definately male voice, from her palm. There was a pause, and then the voice came again, exaggeratedly deep. "GET T'BLOODY 'ELL OUT OF ME CAVE!" Alex blinked.

"Oh come _on, _couldn't we at least have some originality?" She groaned, shaking her head.

The fairy grimaced, pawing at its grubby blonde hair disconcertedly. He didn't seem very old, and in physical terms he looked about her age. He was probably something like 500, she thought, rolling her eyes. They'd do that, just to be obnoxious.

"'M s'posed to guard t' cave." He grumbled, staring at her hand with the look usually reserved for things with talons that have just caught something small and furry. Alex blinked calmly.

"..I suppose you're supposed to come with me. Somehow." She sighed.

"Well, 't is kinda dull.." He mumbled, still staring hungrily at her palm.

"Right. I'm.. adventuring." She said the last word carefully, as though handling nuclear waste with her tongue.

The fairy perked up, as though she had said "naked except for some body paint" instead of "adventuring."

"'M c'ming with yeh." He said firmly, as though this was a fact, like "the earth is round," "cereal gets soggy if left in milk," and "pain is hurty."

She sighed.

"I was afraid you'd say that."

And then she trotted off toward the sort of curving slope that led out of the cave.


	4. Got LonLon Milk?

Alex's eye twitched as, for what had to be the millionth time that...hour? Half-hour? Century? She couldn't really tell, but the stupid fairy was talking. Incessently.

"An' then m'sister, she t'would stick two carro's up her nose, an' my 'ter brother would laugh like a moron- ..er..bloody fool..."

Very slowly, she began counting to ten in her mind.

He droned onward like a peculiar sort of bee, only bees do not normally talk about Gran's Really Superb Fish Stuff.

_...threee..._

Something in her snapped and she watched, appreciatively, as one of her arms shot out apparently of it's own accord and pinched the fairy's wings together. He made a satisfactory 'waugh' noise.

Very slowly her arm lowered the tiny but doubly obnoxious male to face level.

In a calm, measured voice that could not only have sliced food, but would have also cut the hand using it for said reason, she spoke.

"You are going to stop using the stupid fake accent and tell me _your_ bloody name because I _already_ know the names of each and every one of your relatives and 'the girl from the cave two trees over' or I am going to bite your bloody head off and drape your corpse from something." She smiled pleasently, eye still twitching.

The grubby miniature boy's eyes had glazed over with fear at the second vowel, but he somehow managed to prolong his life perhaps another hour by squeaking a reply.

"yes'm m'nameisErekm'm." He whimpered, provoking fond memories of the boy who had called her lips "As red and delicious as strawberries without the seeds on." He had mysteriously fallen out of a tree.

She grinned and let him fall into a clump of particularly nasty looking ...brown... stuff...

Alex looked up very slowly and smirked at LonLon ranch. If it weren't a group of buildings, it would've tucked its tail between its legs and whimpered.

* * *

Talon blinked, yawned, looked up, blinked again, rubbed his eyes, and sat up, provoking a disapproving squawk from the chicken seated on his head.

"..Urrrr?" He managed, staring at the girl in front of him. She was wearing the strangest clothing he had ever seen. Well..maybe except for that time Malon had tried to make a dress..

Her lips were also moving in the same pattern over and over again, as though she was trying to remember something. And her left ear seemed to be glowing green.

"..What ho, good sir!" She chirped after a few seconds, while the light flickered irritably..how does a light flicker irritably?..

"I am but a humble traveler, come to seek shelter from the monsters of the field for a few days. May I make use of your stables?"

Talon stared at her. Maybe she was insane.

"..Y'all right, miss?" He managed after a very long, pointed moment. She grimaced and shoved a red, fiendishly pointy glimmering object under his nose before walking very deliberately out of the chicken coop.

* * *

Days passed.

Picture, if it helps you, pages being ripped off one of those little daily calenders. Or perhaps the sun rising and setting several times.

Or we could just hit fast forward and, during the unfortunate incident where Ingo's deranged mutterings about "hello, little boy, would you like to ride my pony.." got on Alex's nerves, which we have learned have all the strength of a marshmallow with razors in it. He is currently in the only bed in the actual place, face wrapped in bandages.

Our heroine is currently being forced, gently but firmly, to leave.

Malon smiled, strainedly, at the strange girl whose eye was still twitching dangerously. It was a smile with all the properties of someone saying "How nice. Why don't you just walk out the back exit, now?"

"No, no, I must insist, you'll find lodgings in the city far better than our humble ranch." She oozed, mentally adding _And I hope someone breaks your nose._

Alex grimaced downward, tying the laces on her sneakers. Erek was currently shoved in her hair, and had stopped his muffled complaints when she threatened to feed him to the cows. In pieces.

"Oh, if you do insist. But I shall come back and visit you shortly!" She cooed, grinning like a maniac piranha.

There may not be such a thing as hate at first sight. But then, they had seen each other numerous times.

* * *

Alex glanced around shiftily, and then yanked Erek out of her ponytail. He spat desperately, eventually going so far as to stick a hand in his mouth and yank out a wad of blonde hairs.

"Your hair does not taste nice." He grumbled, still spitting. Alex snickered, then pulled out the Amazing Map of Saria's Annoyance.

"Mmm... hmm... right." She folded it again, and then struck a pose, waving the ridiculously puny Kokiri Sword.

"..I really need a bigger weapon. Oh well, even if I were a guy people wouldn't be able to make 'Big Sword! awhahaha, snort.' jokes."

She paused, considering this.

"..Umm..on second thought, maybe that wouldn't be a good thing."

Erek rolled his eyes, hovering next to her ear.

"Um..you might wanna start moving. Nearly sunset." He grinned, satisfied, and flew after Alex's rapidly retreating form.

"Hey, you're going the wrong way!"

"OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP!"


	5. The Joy of Meat, sort of

Alex tilted her head back to look up at the buildings of the famous but pretty lousy Hyrule Castle Town. Erek was currenty snoozing in her hair, despite previous whining.

"..How...um...shrimpy. In a majestic sort of way. ...Well, not really." She muttered, staring at a snarling, grubby white dog that was attacking some guy in a guard's uniform. He was kind of short. And familiar. And...

Alex stared onward as Dark Link screamed desperately and attempted to detach Precious Widdle Richard from his leg. She groaned quietly.

"Please, somebody tell me he's not going to show up everywhere. Please. _Please?_" She tilted her head skyward again, whimpering pathetically.

* * *

Din blinked and swatted absently at the clouds that had drifted innocently in on Hyrule Castle Town to obscure her view, causing a freak rainstorm at the Gerudo Fortress later that afternoon.

"Betcha a turn at making the popcorn she won't help him."

Farore snorted, waving her bowl of divine munchies in scorn.

"You are so totally _on._"

Nayru looked up at them, back from their heavenly kitchen with more divine sodas, and sighed.

"You guys are hopeless, I swear."

* * *

Alex grimaced for a moment, and then whistled shrilly. For about a minute straight. Both dog and boy yelped, but one of them ran off whimpering and the other clapped his hands over his ears.

She stared down at Richard's Mummy's Little Sweetums, and shook her head.

"..Sorry, I don't have a witty comment. Fresh out."

She thought for a moment, and then almost absently undid her ponytail, shaking her hair and dislodging Erek.

"Hummina- hummina- WHAUUUGH!"

"C'mon. We're getting lunch.."

"But I'm _tiiired_." The faerie whined at her, buzzing around her head.

"Oh, go shove it."

* * *

Knil wasn't having a good day, any way you phrased it. He currently had a dog bite on his ankle, a pocketful of lint, and three rupees.

The girl at the reception desk glared at him.

"Look, kid. I don't care what they use as money wherever the hell you come from, but..." She stared haughtily downwards at the counter.

"...A giant fuzzball, three rupees, a lint-coated candy that's probably older than _you_ are, and ..."

She blinked, and snatched up the tiny scrap of paper.

"What in the name of Farore's toenail fungus is this thing supposed to be?" She snapped, holding it up for further inspection. Knil stared at her blankly, all but asleep on his feet and too tired to be confused.

"'I know who you are?' What is this supposed to mean, you little twit!"

And then Knil passed out.

* * *

Alex surveyed the town from the rooftop, chewing thoughtfully on an unlikely meat sandwich of some sort. She wasn't going to think about what it probably contained until it was safely digested.

"Erek?"

"Wahrgmphsneehg?" He bubbled incoherently from an equally suspicious cup of soup, which she would probably end up fishing him out of.

"The world...is our mollusk." She nodded gravely, spat out an incredible wad of gristle into her hand, and lobbed it at a random passerby.

It hit a blonde kid in a weird hat. She snickered.

"Hey, shortie! Yer mama dresses you funny!" She called, making the proper (in)appropriate and wholly rude gesture to accompany the taunt.

Link glared at her and took aim.

She didn't see the boomerang until it was too late.

* * *

Knil blinked. The world above him was blurred. And wet.

And it stank worse than, as it were, a Goron's armpit on a hot day.

"Gnnnrfggh?" He moaned, attempting to sit up.

_Not_ a good idea. His vision wobbled threateningly. Strange colours wheeled around in a nausea-inducing kaleidoscopic dance.

"Woooogh.."

* * *

Alex groaned.

"What the crap was _that_?" She muttered, rubbing the side of her head. It burned like jalapenos mixed with acid... being absorbed through the skin.

Erek buzzed worriedly around her head.

"Umm...that kid hit you with a boomerang. And then ran off, muttering derangedly." He said, nodding.

"Ohhh _joy_." She snarled, slowly levering herself to her feet.

"..Don't you have anything to do?"

"Naah, not really. Let's break into Hyrule Castle." She suggested, thoughtful.

"Sounds goo- ARE YOU INSANE!"

Alex traipsed off, snickering madly.

* * *

Until she tripped, anyway.

"WAUUUUUGH-"

"...nnnuuuugh..."

"YOU JERK! YOU MADE ME - ...Oh, bugger."

She sighed, and hauled Knil out of the gutter.

"I'm gonna regret this later, aren't I..."

* * *

Alex wheezed and lowered the all but unconscious boy to the ground, despite his feeble groans. The girl at the reception desk narrowed her eyes.

"Oh _no_ you don't, I already kicked him out once-"

She ignored the receptionist and fished around in her pockets. After a moment she produced a pair of red rupees, which she very pointedly left on the counter. They reflected quite nicely in the girl's widening eyes.

Alex glared at her on general principles.

"Give him a bed, or something. And food, maybe, I don't care."

She paused, a fiendish idea forming in her head. She grinned.

"Tell him ... tell him... that Malon the ranch girl helped him."

And then she ran for it.

The receptionist tapped one of the rupees, licked it, bit it, shook it, and very, very slowly pocketed them.

Knil whimpered.


	6. Flimsy Hedges

Hyrule Castle loomed, like a very large, slightly damp castle. Which it was. Funny how things like that work out, really.

Alex was too busy arguing to appreciate the full effect of its loomy-ness, however.

"Why the _hell_ can't I go through the gate!"

The guard stared down at her scornfully, waving his spear around in the air. For emphasis. Unfortunately it just made him look really, really stupid.

"Look kiddo, none shall pass! I said it already! It's for the royal security! Now go frolic in a field of sunflowers or whatever it is kids are doing these days." Said the guard, glaring down his nose at her.

The girl's eye twitched violently. Alex opened her mouth, shut it, and stormed off in the opposite direction. Erek was, well, fluttering, for lack of a better word, around the tree there in an anxious sort of way.

"I did tell you it wouldn't work, but you wouldn't listen to me, would you?" He sighed, hovering down to circle around her head.

"But you wouldn't listen to me, would you!" Alex repeated in an exaggeratedly nasal, high-pitched tone. "Oh, shut up, you. There's another way in. It's just.. painful."

The faerie was staring at her, difficult as it was to tell. "What, you're going to dress as a midget guard or something?"

"...No. No, not even _my_ plans are that stupid. We've just got to sneak past the guards."

"And how do you propose we do that? They're everywhere! EVERYWHERE!"

"...You worry too much."

* * *

Approximately two hours, three agonized screams, one new outfit, and too many mistakes later, Alex ran past the last intricate and incredibly convenient hedge. 

"Alright," She panted, wiping leaves out of her hair. Convenient, _flimsy _hedges... "If I'm right, Zelda's through the archway right there. Chances are, we're either going to get kicked out or sent on a lame quest. Better than nothing. I think."

"..Are you aware that you're absolutely bloody insane?"

"Um...yes."

"Okay, I was only checking."

They walked through the arch. Or flew, in Erek's case.

* * *

It was really a nice courtyard, if you paid attention. Alex, unfortunately, was not doing so. She was staring at the blonde figure at the other end of the courtyard. 

The blonde, hatless figure in green, who just happened to be staring back at her.

"...Um...You know that's not Zelda, ri-"

Erek was promptly snatched out of the air.

"...shut up for a minute." Alex said, smiling brightly.

"Yesma'ampleasedon'tkillme." The faerie managed to squeak, darting around to the back of her head.

Link squinted at her for a few more seconds. And then his mouth opened slightly.

"..._Zelda_?" He called.

Bad move, Link. Very bad move.

Alex twitched faintly. "Yes. I am clearly a pretty, pretty princess, standing here in a pretty princess dress with my jewels and my crown, you_ moron_." She grumbled, just barely loud enough to hear.

Then the boy's brain kicked in, reminded him of what he was supposed to be doing, and he ran for it. Straight through the window to the throne room, tumbling like a barrel of monkeys. Alex was left, well, staring.

"...Erek?" She said slowly, still gaping.

"What, I can talk now?"

"..Yes. What was _that_ about?"

"No clue."

"...Well, that settles that! To Death Mountain!"

"Yaaay, Death Mou- _You're insane._" The faerie groaned, and flew after the girl, who had already started running.

They forgot about the guards.

* * *

"None shall pass!" 

"You realize I'm on the wrong side of the gate, right?"

"None shall pass!"

"Can I like, bribe you?"

"None shall pass!"

"I hate you so much."

"..Alex, please shut up."

"_None shall pass!_ Why do these things always happen when my lunch break is supposed to start!"

* * *

The moon was shining brightly, full and poetic. The night was cloudless and breezy. Alex was screaming and running from a small horde of stalchildren. 

"I'M GONNA DIEEEEE!"

"Just fight them, you've got a sword!"

"_YOU_ FIGHT THEM IF YOU WANT 'EM DEAD SO BAD!"

"braaaains."

And so they raced off into the sunset. Moonrise. Whatever.


End file.
